Commitment & Flexibility

In my youth, I had a very rigid and stark view of the world. I had allowed my life circumstances to put a huge chip on my shoulder. I had gotten a raw deal my whole life and so everyone was out to get me, or so I thought. I was certain that I was right and everyone else was wrong, particularly if their opinion had anything to do with me and my plans for myself. I spent a significant portion of my 20s defending my views and trying to convince others that I was right. I had a plan and no one was going to deter me from it. I knew that I wanted to do more with my life than just a 9 to 5 job that paid the bills. At the age of 30, I thought I knew what that was and what the path was going to look like that would get me there. I had no idea the twists and turns that I was in for.

My plan was that I would go and do a 10 week course at the Parelli ranch in Florida. I would achieve my Level 3 there and move on into the instructor program. I was planning on having a star rating by the middle of the summer in 2005. Boy was I wrong! Thirty-six weeks of courses later, in mid-2006, I still did not have my Level 3, let alone a star rating. My plans were dashed and I felt like a failure. My commitment had been tested, but I had yet to learn to be flexible in my approach.

This is where a lesson from Maxi comes in. During my weeks as a student at the Parelli ranch, I had a consistent puzzle to solve with Maxi. Whenever I would ask her to canter on the circle, she would throw a major tantrum. She would buck, rear, and strike out. Her favorite trick was to get one of her front legs over the 45′ line so that I no longer had the ability to disengage her. She would then proceed to take off at the gallop, dragging my rope all the way back to her pen. It seems silly now to think that I felt as though she was being naughty and that her behavior had nothing to do with me. You see, I wasn’t engaging her in a conversation. I was just barking orders at her and then getting frustrated when she was opposed to those orders.

I had gotten some great advice on how to avoid those behaviors, but the penny did not drop until I started supporting Maxi’s ideas. Instead of fighting with her about the rearing, I put a cue to it and rewarded her with a cookie. You should have seen the look on her face the first time I did that! She was shocked and I think a bit bewildered. It may be a bit anthropomorphic, but I think that made her feel heard and valued. These days, it takes a bit of coxing to get her to rear at all.

I call this approach the boomerang effect. It is not that I allow her to dictate the entire conversation. We have an 51/49 agreement. Most of the time I am 51% the leader and she is 49% the follower. However, if I can see a good idea brewing up in her that includes me in the conversation, then I try my best to offer her the 51% leadership. Once her ideas have been exhausted, then I bring the conversation back around to what I had in mind. You see, I throw the boomerang out. She takes it to the apex so long as she is only taking 51% of the leadership. Then, I bring it back to me. This way she feels heard and understood, but we can still accomplish a goal or task. There can be no brace if you don’t give your opponent anything to push back against. Heartfelt understanding is a key ingredient to relationships. I don’t believe that the golden rule should be “do unto others as you would have done to you.” I believe it should be “do unto others as they would have done to them.” The only way to do that is by listening intently and not overlaying your story on top of your partners. Walk a mile in your horse’s horseshoes, and you can’t go wrong.

Tagged as: Kristi Smith, Parelli Media